Part one: On the house --"I love you, you're perfect, now change!" -- Stone love: granite's not just for tombstones anymore -- Possum chokes on packing peanuts: gross film at eleven -- Shocked smart? Nope, but I'm plenty grounded -- Mulch ado about nothing -- Install your dishwasher? "Ottydidit" -- Stainless is a steal thanks to cutiepie salesman -- Screw the tsunamis; I got a kitchen to pay for -- Taxing matters (IRS means I'm really stressed) --Part two: Just Kid-ding -- Harry Potter bitch-slaps Nancy Drew -- Rugby-playing lesbians torpedo Beach Day -- Britney's to-do list: pick okra, cover that thang up -- (School) uniformly opposed to everything -- Slacker Moms don't have a ghost of a chance -- Nature deficit disorder is naturally upsetting -- Make your own damn pancakes -- Christmas at the "Urgent" care -- How to avoid mortuary science camp -- Part three: It's raining men (must be why my joints ache) -- Dancing with the doofuses -- Gay men love me -- Penguins, Sir Paul, rednecks: unlucky in love -- Don't bug me, I'm reading The little red hen -- Brownies and men: they both have nuts on 'em -- Part four: (I'm so totally) random thoughts -- Latest technology's all geek to me -- It's not "Secret": how TV Guide ruined my life -- French women suck at competitive eating -- No, really; why can't we spay Tori Spelling? -- Kissin' up to the insurance company -- Now that's just rude, y'all -- Epilogue: a Queen at last...