The comedian, actor, and television host draws on his own childhood as a cautionary tale to demonstrate to parents what they must do if they don't want to have to support their kids forever.

Introduction: the culture of dad shaming -- Daddy, stop talking! -- Your home is not your castle -- Don't be this guy -- Hey, kids, here's a note to your future therapists -- Punished for participation -- To Sonny and Natalia, on buying your first car -- What I learned from my parents by not learning from my parents -- To Sonny and Natalia, on buying your first house -- To Sonny, on puberty -- iPads and iPods are fucking up how iParent -- I'm not down with OPP (over-praise for participation) -- Conclusion: to Sonnny and Natalia, on the definition of success.